Piddy The Foo' That Mess Wit' Hogwarts!
by Dark Twilight of the Phoenix Souls
Summary: A gag fic that I think needed to be done! Enjoy!
1. New Headmaster?

Piddy The Foo' That Mess Wit' Hogwarts!

by

Dark Twilight

!Note to people who can't take a joke: This is a GAG FIC. So if I get flames, I'm gonna take that text document and shove it up that place where the sun don't shine. I mean, it's okay to say it's bad... just no "u suck. go die." comments, okay? You could insult my mother, me, and the rest of the American population... but if it has decent grammar I'm fine with it.!

Narrator: It was a mournful day at Hogwarts... The new headmaster was about to arrive. It had been only a few months since Professor Dumbledore's unfortunate demise, and an old friend of his was to take over the position.

:scene cuts to the Gryffindor common room where the Trio are doing their various activities:

Hermione::studying on the couch, ignoring Ron again for doing something stupid:

Ron::doing whatever he does from day to day, ignoring Hermione for slapping him for doing something stupid:

Harry::sighing, pining for Ginny... like always:

Ron::looks over at Harry: Hey, Harry! Want to go down with me in a bit to see the new headmaster? I hear he's a total loon.

Hermione: Ron, Professor Tibireus is NOT a loon! He's a magical genius who's made a mark on the magical world for his numerous achievements!

Ron::grins: Wasn't that the same thing you said about Lockhart?

Hermione: Hmph::shuts her book loudly and storms off to the girls' dormitory:

Harry: You know, Ron... Perhaps that's not the greatest way to make up with her...

Ron: Me? Make up with her? Please. She slapped me!

Harry: ...You did pinch her butt, Ron.

Ron: I did not! I smashed a beetle on her backside! ...Why else would I want to touch that... :Harry thinks for a second he sees drool on Ron's lips::it disappears: thing!

Harry::sly half-grin: Riiiiight. Come on. We'd best be getting down to the Great Hall.

:they both enter the Great Hall and move their way to the front of the crowd:

Harry: Ron, were we EVER this tiny as first years?

Ron::steps on one: ...I hope not. Now I have to go clean my bloody shoes off!

:Professor McGonagall steps out onto the grounds and looks into the sky, as if watching for something:

:A large black hippogryph appears over the horizon, flying over the lake to the grounds:

Everyone::gasp: What is that!

:The hippogryph touches down and a large cloaked figure jumped down, for a second a glint of gold is seen:

Mysterious Figure::heads inside after McGonagall:

:Harry and Ron fall back as the crowd starts to leave:

Ron::whispers: Wanna go check out that hippogryph? Hagrid'll want a report down to the feather, you know.

Harry::whispers back: Are you sure that's the best idea?

Ron: ...No. :grabs Harry's arm and pulls him back:

Ron::bows to the hippogryph:

Harry::looks around, hoping no one sees Ron get maimed and/or killed:

:The hippogryph bows back:

Ron::grin: See? What'd I tell ya, Harry::reaches over to pet its feathers:

Mysterious Figure: WHAT ARE YA DOIN' TO MY HIPPOGRYPH. FOO'?

Ron::spins around to get a load of knuckle bling in the face:

:Mr. T pulls his oversized fist out of Ron's face:

Harry: O.O Mr. T!

Mr. T: That's right. I'm the new headmaster, foo's and nobody better bother my hippogryph!

Ron::gets up with "FOOL" imprinted on his face: Who::falls back down:

Mr. T::heads back into the Great Hall: Come on, kids. I got a feast to start.

Everyone else::nods in fear of being crushed between Mr. T's amazing biceps:

:Mr. T sits in the Headmaster's chair in the Great Hall and call everybody to attention:

Mr. T: All right, kids! First, I gotta tell you who the new teachers are::he waves his hand to the teachers' table: The new Defense Against the Dark Arts Teacher is... CHUCK NORRIS!

Harry::eyes bug out: WHAT!

Mr. T::jumps up: YOU GOT A PROBLEM WIT' CHUCK, FOO'!

Harry: YES! YES, I DO! CHUCK NORRIS CAN'T EVEN DO MAGIC!

Mr. T: Oh yes he can! CHUCK! DO YOUR STUFF!

Chuck Norris::jumps up: For starters, we'll take this ordinary block of tofu. :pulls out a block of "Veggie-Meat":

And we'll set it on the table::puts it on the table: Now... I shall pick it up... WITH ONE HAND!

Everyone::gasp: That's impossible!

Chuck::picks it up with one hand: That's 100 percent bean curd, ladies and gentlemen...

Harry::whispers over to Ron: Thank God Hermione's not here.

!And THERE'S the first chapter! What OTHER surprises are in store for the Trio? And just HOW did Chuck Norris do that! Trust me, I've tried.!


	2. Enter The Potions Master!

Piddy Tha Foo' That Mess Wit' Hogwarts!

Ch. 2:

Enter the Potions Master!

Harry and Ron:walk back up to the Common Room, Ron still in large amounts of pain after getting blinged in the face:

Hermione:tapping her foot and waiting for them:

Ron:walks in, tired sounding: What do you want to yell at us about now, Hermione?

Hermione:screaming: WHAT WERE YOU THINKING TRYING TO PET THE HEADMASTER'S HIPPOGRYPH!

Ron: Bloody hell, Hermione... We just wanted an up-close report to tell Hagrid about later...

Hermione: OH, REALLY! WOULD YOU ALSO HAVE LIKE HAGRID TO SEE YOUR BLOODY STUMP OF AN ARM AFTER YOU ACCIDENTALLY RIPPED OUT SOME OF ITS FEATHERS AS WELL!

Ron and Hermione:bicker loudly... as usual:

Harry:sigh: Why **every** night:trudges up to bed:

:Ron and Hermione fight for most of the night, Harry presses pillows against his ears to keep the noise out:

NEXT MORNING

:The Trio walk down to breakfast, Ron and Hermione still bickering, Harry's eyes are bloodshot:

Harry:sits down away from Ron and Hermione, lets his face drop right into his porridge:

Ron and Hermione:sit at opposite ends of the table and yell loudly to the other students about how they hate each other:

Ginny:walks up behind Harry and taps him on the shoulder:

Harry:gurgles in his porridge:

Ginny: Rough night?

Harry:cries into his porridge:

Ginny:pats him on the back: Well, at least you'll have an easy lesson today. You start with Defense Against the Dark Arts.

Harry:sits up suddenly: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Ginny:pins Harry's arms so he can't rip out his own hair:

LATER THAT MORNING

:The Gryffindors walk out onto the grounds and wait for Professor Norris:

Chuck:flies down from a tree and spin-kicks a conveniently-placed generically-bald bad guy: Morning, kids!

Gryffindors:in monotone: Good morning, Professor.

Chuck: Okay! Today, I'm going to give you a little demonstration of what you'll be learning this semester. :he rips off his shirt: Now, wands out!

Everyone:pulls their wands out, not sure what's going on:

Chuck: Now fire any hex you want at me.

Everyone: O.O

Hermione: You can't be serious! You don't even have a wand!

Chuck:thumbs up, his glint sparkle: That's okay... 'cause I have massive pecs!

Hermione:vein pops out in her forehead: FINE THEN :fires off a huge barrage of curses that would make Ah-nold cry for his mommy:

Chuck:watches them come towards him and flexes his MASSIVE PECS:

:The spells hit with explosive force and Chuck Norris disappears in a cloud of smoke:

Hermione: Feh. :throws her hair back: What a boring opponent. :a voice says "K.O.!":

:The smoke clears and Chuck stands there still flexing:

Everyone: O.O

Chuck:thumbs up: Not bad! You actually managed to give me a wedgie!

Hermione:jaw drops: B-B-B-But how did you do that:runs off and cries in a corner from the confusion:

Mysterious Figure:flies in a kicks Chuck Norris in the face: HUUUUUUUUUUYAH!

Chuck:goes down:

Mysterious Figure: You have spoiled my honor!

Chuck: You have broken my honour!

Mysterious Figure: YOU SPELL 'HONOR' LIKE A BRIT!

:Amazing martial arts action ensues:

Chuck:rips off the Mysterious Figure's cloak to reveal... BRUCE LEE:

Bruce: You have destroyed my disguise:his mouth doesn't match up with the words:

Random Gryffindor: Why does he talk like that?

Another Random Gryffindor: 1970's dubbing.

RG: Ooooooh.

Harry: WHY IS BRUCE LEE HERE:can't handle all the zany comedic genius:

Bruce: I'll tell you why:pulls out a chalkboard with a diaphragm diagram: Since Professor Snape was sacked, Professor McGonagall approached me about becoming Potion's master here.

Harry: ...But you don't know ANYTHING about Potions!

Bruce:charges at Harry and punches a random Gryffindor in the face: HUUUUUUUUYAH :stands on the random knocked-out student: HOW WRONG YOU ARE:he pulls his cloak back on: Just wait until your Potions lesson...

:Bruce Lee leaves in a dramatic wide-screen exit:

Chuck:claps his hands together: Okay, kids! The lesson today is "How to properly handle dumbells!"

Gryffindors:head towards the gym:

Hermione: WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH MAGIC?

(Sorry about the messed-upness of it. WordPad makes this IMPOSSIBLE to write correctly.)


	3. CHOP SHOEY!

Piddy Da Foo'!

Ch. 3

CHOP SHOEY!

-The Golden Trio wake up to a glorious morning with singing and tweeting birds... then a cry floats out across the grounds-

Harry: -looks out the window- ...Oh, lord.

Ron: -wipes eyes- What's goin' on out there, 'Arry?

Harry: -sigh- They threw Neville in the lake again. -more screaming-

Ron: -scratches his bedhead- Oh... that all?

DOWN AT BREAKFAST

Hermione: -walks past Ron, hitting him in the back of the head with her huge bag "accidentally"-

Ron: -wipes custard off his face- Think she's still mad at me?

Harry: Noooooo... you think? -bites into his toast-

Neville: -stumbles into the Great Hall, soaking wet- Squid... Slytherins... Ugh... -falls to the floor, unconscious-

Magical Ambulance: -is really two guys with a cot making an ambulance noise- WEE OOOO! WEEE OOO! WEEEEEOOOOOOOOO -they put Neville onto the cot- WEEEEEEE OOOOOOO! WEEEEEOOOOO! WEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO -they run off-

Ron: -nudges Harry- Do you think those guys really DO anything around here? I mean... Madame Pomfrey could just magic a stretcher down here...

Harry: ...Ron, the ambulance is for Neville only. He's the only one who's in there every day.

Ron: ...Well now... That makes a bloody load more sense.

Hermione: -stumbles down into the Great Hall, her poofy hair looking like a bushy auburn afro-

Ron: Mornin', Hermione... Wild animals burrow into your hair again?

Hermione: ...

Ron: -lying in a pile of his own bodily fluids-

Harry: You'd think he's actually going to learn someday...

Hermione: Harry, I need to talk to you about today's Potions lesson...

Harry: -confused- Okay... What about it?

Hermione: This "Bruce Mee" character...

Harry: Lee. His name's Lee.

Hermione: -feral growl- ANYWAY! This Bruce... LEE character isn't even a registered Potions master! In all of the Ministry of Magic's records for this century!

Harry: Well, Hermione... I admit he's a bit... -ignores the glare from Hermione- unorthodox, we should still see what he has to say...

Hermione: -sigh- Well, if Dumbledore respected him, he must be a genius...

Bruce Lee: -walks into the door- ...WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?

Harry: -turns the handle- ...Are you okay, Professor?

Bruce: -punches out the random Gryffindor again- THANK YOU VERY MUCH! -flips into the dungeon-

RG: -runs away to the Hospital Wing to get his nose resplinted-

Ron: You've GOT to feel bad for that kid...

Harry: I don't.

Ron: Me neither. -they walk into the dungeon-

-The dungeon is decked out in Eastern decor with the ever-present smell of sulphur and dung, cauldrons and desks are still in their normal order- -Instead of a desk, there is a cushion on the floor with candles surrounding it-

Prof. Lee: Come in, my disciples.

Another Random Gryffindor: Uh... Professor? We're not your disciples... We're your students.

Lee: -eyes narrow-

ARG: -drops to his knees and lets out a sound similar to his abbreviation-

Lee: -holds out his hand and pair of... "man jewels" are in it- Who's the disciple noooow?

All the Gryffindors: WE ARE!

Lee: Wonderful. Now then... ON WITH LESSON! -flips off the cushion, his shirt is "mysteriously" lost along the way-

Girls: -swoon-

Guys: -mumble, grumble-

Bruce: -flex-

Hermione: GET ON WITH THE LESSON, PLEASE!

Bruce: Correct, little girl! Now... today we make an antidote!

Hermione: -sigh- At least he teaches normal potions...

Bruce: ...For the Ancient Purple Lotus Poison!

Hermione: -anime fall-

Bruce: Now! Take out your lizard guts and put them on table!

Gryffindors: -blink, then do it-

Bruce: NOW CHOP! -makes chop motions super-quick, the lizard splits into perfect little pieces-

Everyone: O.O

Ron: ...It's just like MAGIC!

Hermione: -throws her bag at him- RON, YOU MORON!

Harry: -looks down- You okay there, mate?

Ron: -gurgles on his own blood-

Harry: Righto. -goes back to trying to chop up his lizard-

-THERE'S #3! MORE LATER!


	4. Man, I hate Soliciters

Piddy Some Fools That Mess Wit' Hogwarts!

Ch.4

"Man... I hate soliciters."

Hermione knew that she HAD to think of some way to feel Professor Lee into thinking  
she was actually doing her lesson correctly... For what reason she was doing this? Well,  
it has a lot to do with something I like to call Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, but more on  
that later.

Hermione came up with an ingenius plan. Where was the genius? Why, in the wandwork.  
Whenever she made the chopping hand motion, she muttered a simple Chopping Charm.  
So presto, one fooled Chinaman.

Ron, however, wasn't having the best time. "Stupid... bloody... ARGH!" he growled as he  
used the side of his hand to shred the lizard guts and let them drop into the cauldron with a  
less-than-satisfying squish-squish-drip-drip. "Psst... Hermione... Little help here?" he  
whispered.

Hermione snubbed his attempt to talk to her, Ron's blood still not quite dried on her robes from his previous comments. Harry had taken a page from Hermione's book and started copying her movements. Ron, as usual, was totally and utterly oblivious.

Professor Lee walked around inspecting the students' work (Cheating off the nerd does wonders,  
no?) and was quite impressed.

Impressed... until he came to Ron's station.

"Ron... What are you doing?"

Ron looked over at him, his eyes bloodshot. "I'm... slicing... the... bloody... LIZARD!" he screamed,waving the bloody remnants of the reptile left on his hand around. Professor Lee looked at him. "Well, well, well... It seems you'll have to take... REMEDIAL POTIONS!"

Everyone gasped. A random Gryffindor piped up, "'Tis a fate worse than death!"

Professor Lee swept out his cloak and went to the door. "Weasley... meet me here in the dungeon  
tonight. And bring your friends with you."

The other Gryffindors made their way out, and Professor Lee swept out his arm dramatically for  
an exit and jammed his thumb in the Random Gryffindor's ear, rupturing it beyond repair just from  
the awesome factor of the thumb of Bruce Lee.

MEANWHILE!

Mr. T was resting in his Beverly Hills home when a knock came at his door.

"Who id it, foo'?" he groggily mouthed out.

The buttons on his suit jacket were the color of coal... His eyes gleamed with the recognition of  
every sale... His clothes were starched to perfect depth... His teeth bleached to a blinding white...

He was... A TRAVELLING BUSINESSMAN!

He spoke with his oddly surreal tone of voice, "Hello there, sir! My name is Tom and I'm here to  
tell you about a new energy drink I'm selling!"

"Whad id it?" The groggy headmaster inquired.

"Why, I'll tell you!" the overly peppy blonde replied. He pulled out a can that had the word  
'Predijuicy' on it. "This, sir, is the energy drink for the 21st century! Made from the finest  
squeezed Atlanta Negros and then blended with Jamaican reefer brown-"

The man only made it that far because his skull was crushed between the thumb and forefinger  
of the T-man himself.

"PIDDY THA FOO'!" he screamed as a battle cry, after which he threw the carcass into a  
passing garbage truck.

"Nice throw," King Kong commented, taking another sip of his mocha latte.

-I'm stopping right here so I don't use up all my genius. NEXT CHAPTER SOON!


	5. WIN PIE!

Piddy The Foo'!

Ch. 5

Remedial Potions and Danger on the Horizon?

The Trio walked slowly down to the dungeon, resigned to their fate... Well, Ron's fate, at least.

"Why the bloody hell am I the only one who has to do this?" the condemned demanded of the Gods.

"...Because you're an insufferable git, Ron," Hermione deadpanned.

"I don't think it'll be so bad," said the quite foolish in this instance Harry.

Upon reaching the dungeon, Hermione went to knock on the door. But when her fist was about  
to rap on the wood, the door swung open on its own.

A collective weird eye was shared by all.

The Oriental decor of the room was enhanced only by the smell of incense and an old 1980s TV set  
sitting in front of the desks.

Professor Lee flew over the Trio and kicked the door closed with a mighty "HOOOOOTAH!"

After completing his necessary Amazing Entrance, he addressed the Trio, "All right, my disciples.  
Take three seats so you can see the TV."

With an ominous feeling coming over them, they sat.

Professor Lee walked slowly over to the TV... and flipped it on.

"Aaaaaaaaaand welcome to WIN PIE! The game show that's SWEEPING low-budget cable networks!"

"...WHAT THE BLOODY HELL IS THIS?" screamed Ron, who definitely was surprised and relieved.

"Shhhh... The show's started," rebuked an attentive Professor Lee.

"Now, contestants, this is just a simple game show... except for one part! We will be throwing pies at you while you answer the questions! Whatever questions you answer correctly, you get a pie of the same type that was thrown at you! Any questions?" the host explained.

"Yeah, I do," piped up Contestant #1, "Is this sanitary?"

"Of coooooooooourse it is!" the host replied with a grotesquely large smile as Contestant #1 dropped through a trapdoor and landed a suspiciously sickening SPLTHUNK!

After a momentary eye color change from red back to blue, the host flipped his blonde hair and moved on.

"Okay, Contestants! Let's get started!"

The contestants all then suspicously dropped to their untimely deaths.

The host then shrugged, "Whoops! Looks like I'M the one getting all the pie! See you next week on WIN PIE!"

Hermione looked over at Ron who was holding his hands over his ears. "Come on now, Ron... It wasn't THAT bad right, Harry?"

Ron looked over at her and whispered, "I'm afraid my brain will leak out of my head. Harry... cover my nose, would you?"

Harry just looked down at the floor, his sense of reality totally shot. "Hey, Hermione... When are you going to pipe up and say none of this could have happened because Muggle electronics don't work in Hogwarts?" Harry sullenly inquired.

Hermoine crossed her arms and harrumphed, "I thought no one liked my pointing out of plotholes."

Harry looked over at her, "Hermione... Just because Jinx doesn't like your blatant pointing out of the obvious abilities doesn't mean we want you to never say them... most of the time."

On the TV, the sponsor's commercials played.

"Try Eggland's Best Eggs!" said the Double Mint Twin Look-alike on the screen. A red dot then appeared on her forehead. A bang was accompanied by a little girl eating some eggs and saying 'Mmmmmmm!' in a monotone to the camera.

"Do you like energy drinks?" asked the announcer.

"Mmmhmm!" answered John McEnroe.

"Are YOU a racist?" asked the announcer.

"I can't believe you said that!" John replied, throwing down his raquet and storming off.

"Well, if you ARE, then try PREDIJUICY, the energy drink made from the blood of the Unholy!" pitched the announcer.

"Oh, and Predijuicy is IN NO WAY endorsed by Mr. T," he added.

"You got that right, foo'!" proclaimed the T man himself as he punched the ever-loving crap out of the camera/cameraman.

And another collective weird eye was shared by the Trio.

"Well, you had better go to bed now, my disciples," instructed Professor Lee as he wheeled the TV set into his storage room.

The Trio trudged up to the Gryffindor Common Room, Harry with developing schizophrenia, Hermione feeling cheated of study time, and Won-Won trying to keep his liquified brain inside his skull until it cooled and settled.

-CH. 5 COMPLEEEEEETE!


End file.
